PROPAGANDA IN STRANGE PLACES A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE It's beginning to look like the Pentagon's $300 million propaganda PsyOps campaign isn't limited to planting bogus "good news" stories in the Iraqi news media. Controversy recently erupted in Pakistan when it was discovered that an English textbook contains a poem with a subliminal message extolling Preznit Dubya's virtues to unwitting high-schoolers. While Pakistani military dictator Pervez "the Perv" Musharaf backs America's Middle East policy, most Pakistanis aren't quite so simpatico, and demands that the offending poem be removed have already been agreed to. When cornered by a Times of India reporter on the subject, an official from the Pakistan Education Ministry declared: "It will be stretching the matter too far to assert that the poem was inserted in the book deliberately to enumerate the qualities of President Bush." We here at the Daily Dirt present the poem in its entirety, so that you, dear reader, can decide for yourself. Pay special attention to the first letter of every sentence. THE LEADER Patient and steady with all he must bear, Ready to accept every challenge with care, Easy in manner, yet solid as steel, Strong in his faith, refreshingly real, Isn't afraid to propose what is bold, Doesn't conform to the usual mold, Eyes that have foresight, for hindsight wont do Never back down when he sees what is true Tells it all straight, and means it all too Bracing for war, but praying for peace Using his power so evil will cease: So much a leader and worthy of trust, Here stands a man who will do what he must Coincidence? Maybe. But just in case it isn't, here's a re-write, Daily Dirt style. THE LOSER Petty and cruel in all that he does, Reptilian ethics, he does things: "Because!" Empty of reason, yet sure of himself, Some days he looks like a dumb, drunken elf. Insane in the membrane, he chats with the Lord, Dreaming of plough shears smashed into swords. Eyes that are beady, like piss-holes in snow, Nostrils that flare, where cocaine used to go, Talks like a cowboy with an I.Q. that's low. Berating his underlings, hurling abuse, Using 9/11 as an all-purpose excuse. Such an unworthy man for such difficult times, History will surely judge him harshly for his crimes. Eat your heart out, "Poet Laureate" Billy Collins. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 1 On this day in 1808, the importation of slaves from Africa into the United States is banned. So, necessity being the mother of invention, we did the only thing we could: breed a potent new strain from existing stock! On this day in 1959, communist revolutionary Fidel Castro and a bunch of other people overthrow right-wing, mafia-pocketed dictator Fulgencio Batista. The Cold War gets a little Latin heat, and -- of course -- chaos ensues. January 2 On this day in 1882, oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller launches a thousand conspiracy theories (like this one) when he combines his holdings into the mammoth monopoly history recalls as the Standard Oil trust. On this day in 1887, for the first time ever, a witness uses the word "saucer" to describe an unidentified flying object. Before you ask, the answer is YES, he was a hick. January 3 On this day in 1987, surgeons remove four polyps from President Ronald Reagan's colon, afterwhich they are clandestinely grafted to current Preznit George W. Bush's brain. We are currently reaping the fruits of this highly experimental procedure, and they speak for themselves. On this day in 1990, opera-loving Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega surrenders to American troops blaring rock music at the Vatican embassy, where he had taken refuge. And so, yet another Bush family friendship ends badly.

THEY SAID IT! "Many leading technology industries have been aware of the possibility of a Singularity for some time. There are concerns that, if the public understood its ramifications, they might panic over accepting new and untested technologies that bring us closer to Singularity. For now, the debate about the consequences of the Singularity has stayed within the halls of business and technology; the kinks are being worked out, avoiding 'doomsday' hysteria." - Avoiding doomsday hysteria? It's a little too late for some of us. *** **** *** "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time." - Yer old pal Jerky looks forward to a South Park boys creating an episode devoted to defending the Catholic League, as they have for so many other right-wing causes, assholes and bad ideas. I only hope they aren't the kind to hold grudges.

JOKES! The YEAR's first joke was sent in by Fred SX! Boudreaux and his wife Clothilde lived on a little farm outside Mamou. One day Clothilde said, "Mais, Boudreaux, you have to get rid of dat dog. All he does is lie under the front porch and turn over da trash cans." Boudreaux said, "Okay. Cher. I'll get rid of him." He put him in the pickup, drove down the road a couple of miles and dumped him out. He drove home and in a few minutes the dog showed up. So he put him back in the truck, drove several more miles and dumped him out. After getting back home, the dog showed up again. Clothilde said, "You have to take him out and drive around and around a lot in circles, den dump him out. dat way he won't know da way home." Boudreaux said, "You some smart, Clothilde, and dat's why I married you." Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around and zigzagged a lot then dumped the dog out. He started back home but pulled over and parked and called Clothilde on his cell phone. "Has dat dog come back yet?" Clothilde answered "Yes, he just came in." Boudreaux said, "Well, put him up to da phone - I'm lost." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Joe Spitzer for sending in today's second joke. A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Andy S sends us what he promises is his last Arkansas joke. A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE GODS AND WHO THEY HELP care of: Mick Hail Jerky One, OK, New Orleans was, and hopefully will again, be a great city. That said, it's more a people problem. I had the opportunity to go thru a flood recovery, first hand, in Wilkes Barre, Pa. back in the early 70's. I say early 70's because it took a few years to get it done. And that's without levees, so to speak. There were some built-up areas for flood control, one of them just down from my home. Sure, you can jump in and tear the place apart, rip out all of that plaster and lathe. Then what? Nuttin. At least for months. The building has got to dry out. Cover all that studding and framing lumber before it's dry, and your home will stink forever. We had the benefit of a lot of privately owned homes and buildings and the crews just materialized out of thin air to do the work. In N.O. you have a lot of publicly-owned buildings, for lack of a better word, that rely on the local government for maintenance and repair. To quote one N.O. official, "We can't get them into work on a rainy day". 'nuff said on that. I just ran into a friend who had just returned form a month or so in Florida. He is an inspector for FEMA. Gets about $48 per home inspection. Does about 12 in a 10 hour day. Where was I when these jobs were being handed out? He was in Fla. because there was no more work for him in N.O.. So, the buildings have been inspected and they can now tear them apart. What's the problem? No people power to get it done. Just a lot of people waiting, as usual, for the government to step in and save them. I, and my neighbors tore our whole neighborhood apart to prepare for rebuilding. Contractors don't want that work. Too much time involved. If the people and the local gov. don't get up off their collective asses, their won't be a New Orleans and, of course it will be the government's fault. Hey, at least they're gonna have free Wi-FI! Cheers, YOPMick [You make an excellent point. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi Jerky, Kudos to Ben Ervin for using snopes to send the truth to people. I use snopes all the time to make people look stupid for forwarding drivel to me. Most of us with a semi functioning brain know that there are tons of bullshit spread on the web and most of it is easily debunked. It does seem to me that our neocon/right leaning friends are more likely to believe without questioning sources than blue staters ;-) Chuck from Seattle [Kudos on your most excellent kudos, sir! - Jerky] *** **** *** Rebuttal redux: Someone who "immerses" themselves in science is clearly not a scientist, nor, from the evidence, well-weaned on the scientific method. I stand by my response, in its entirety. His points 2 and 3 are incorrect, on several levels. I prefer my consultants (Darwin, Mayr, Mendel, Wilson, Gould, and Dawkins) to his. Finally, let me apologize for not pluralizing the Dianetic Monkey Gods -- it seemed to upset the good doctor. ACD [Can't we all just... get along?! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Underneath that picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the previous Dirt, instead of writing "Me Likes Tiddies!", you should have written "Me Conan, You Tits!" That would have been a lot funnier. Mark T [Maybe, maybe not. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP, Jerky; Happy New Year. Don't go tarring me with the raving religious fundamentalist label but, I just want to point out that all the theories about extra-terrestrial life seem to be based on odds. As gambler, I can assure you that no matter what the odds are that something will or will not happen are no guarantee that it will. Until a real "smoking gun" is found that absolutely proves, by the scientific method, that life exists elsewhere, I will have my doubts. YOP, Kenny "B" [Yup. It's all speculation... for the time being. - Jerky] *** **** *** hey, u r a girl or boy, please u tell me first. if u r a girl then u please u give me your or any girls sexy photo, please send me soon. with give me your age. see u later. G-unit [Git! Go on! Shoo! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerky: A cybergeek friend of mine told me that there are a lot of little blogmonkeys out there who are plagiarizing your writings and claiming them as their own. Izzat true? I don't really give a shit, I'm just curious. If it is true, then you should sue the little assholes. Meanass Bitch [I am aware of some people cribbing some stuff from the Dirt, but have yet to find any wholesale highjacking of my content. The former I can live with, and am even a little flattered by. The latter kind of sucks. If any of you ever come across anything like that, let me know. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, "Shitsocks"? I've been saying "Fucknuts" for years. In the early 70's I had a friend who wondered how catch phrases got started. He decided to start his own. Whenever something went wrong, he would say, "That's a hardship." He said it at every opportunity. It never caught on. He shot himself later that same year. Fuck yule, Aram [That's a hardship. - Jerky] *** **** *** Guys, I'm sending you this message to warn you of a scam that is happening locally It recently happened to me at the West Edmonton Mall. I was a victim and you could be one too. It could happen anywhere. Here's how the scam works. Two good looking 24 year old women come over to your car as you are just about to leave the mall. While you're placing your packages on the floor of the front seat, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag. The other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. When you thank them for cleaning your window and offer them a tip, they say "No" but beg for a ride to the Southgate Shopping Center. Once you agree, they jump in the back seat. On the way to Southgate, they start having sex with each other. Eventually, one of them climbs into the front seat and performs oral sex on you while the other steals your wallet. This is not a joke. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful!!! Giles T. [Wrong section, dude. Jokes belong up there somewhere. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com