ILLEGAL ALIENS AND OTHER FUN PEOPLE BITS AND PIECES Now that the new, democratically-elected Iraqi government has come out in support of neighboring Iran's right to enrich uranium and develop nuclear power (for peaceful purposes of course!), does that mean Preznit Dubya's short-term love affair with "Mideast democracy" is finally over? Can we bake that cake, yet? Oh, shit! Apparently we can. Ooooh... how much would you pay to see Dick Fuckin' Cheney forced by Patrick Fitzgerald to testify before the Plamegate Grand Jury, under oath?! Yer old pal Jerky would drop a couple hundred on that spectacle, personally. Shit, the mere fact that there's a remote possibility is enough to give me half-a-chubby! Everybody's getting in on this musical list thing… even right-wing assholes! Here is the National Review Online's list of the Top Fifty all-time Conservative Rock Tunes. Some of their picks are pretty dubious, and the arguments for their inherent conservatism is occasionally specious. For instance, Sammy Hagar's I Can't Drive 55 is supposed to be conservative because it's "against the nanny state". Meanwhile, fuckin' East Germany allowed people to drive at speeds of up to 80mph on the Autobahn at the height of the Cold War! Anyway, it's an interesting list, otherwise. A couple months ago, all the Big Name Republicans were going to the media to personally warn voters that they better not vote for Democrats in the coming mid-term elections, because if they got into power, they might push for (gasp!) IMPEACHMENT!!! Now, a couple months later, with Preznit Dubya's numbers dropping lower than Grandma's nipples... you don't see them using that Senator Kerry (D-Mass), you certainly have a right to defend your honor, but if ever there's been a case of shutting the stable door after all the horses have already escaped, this has GOT to be it. South African neuroscience researchers have discovered that the popular sleeping pill Zolpidem might be able to wake up victims of persistent vegetative states. Quick! Somebody dig up Terri Schiavo! It might not be too late! Here, for no particular reason, is a video of Neo from the Matrix movies versus Robocop from the Robocop movies. UPDATE: In the May 16 edition of the Daily Dirt, we ran a quote from some dude by the name of Jessie Macbeth who claimed to be a former Army Ranger who single-handedly killed over 200 civilians in Iraq. After quoting him, I wrote that I sincerely hoped that he "was lying, or that he really, REALLY sucks at math". Turns out he was lying. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 24 On this day in 1844, Samuel F.B. Morse inaugurated America's telegraph industry by tapping out the message "What hath God wrought" in the Morse Code, which he created. The second message relayed across the trans-American telegraph wire was a response to the first: "Are you asking ME? Cuz if you are, I have no idea. Oh, wait! You're talking about the telegraph, right? I get it now. Sorry for the misunderstanding. No hard feelings?" The message took the better part of an evening to transmit. Morse did not bother to reply. Happy birthday to Matthew Eappen, born on this day in 1996, the city of Boston, Massachusetts! Matthew would have been ten years old today, if he hadn't been shaken to death by Louise Woodward, a lardy, google-eyed au pair hired by Matthew's folks to take care of him while they went off and did whatever it is people who can afford au pairs do with their free time. She was found guilty of murder, but the judge in the case -- likely swayed by Woodward's courtroom histrionics and, perhaps, the ivory hue of her flabby flesh -- sentenced her to "acute embarrassment" and sent her back to England, duly ashamed. On this day in 1960, telecommunications workers in Holland install that country's one millionth telephone. Chaos ensues.

THEY SAID IT! "If I thought Al Gore's movie was, as you like to say, fair and balanced, I'd say everyone should go see it. But why go see propaganda? You don't go see Joseph Goebbels' films to see the truth about Nazi Germany. You don’t go see Al Gore's films to see the truth about global warming." - Sterling Burnett, senior fellow at the National Center for Policy Analysis (an astroturf ExxonMobil shill organization), goes on FOX News and compares Al Gore with Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels. Watch it. *** **** *** "Gore believed in global warming almost as much as Hitler believed there was something wrong with the Jews." - In yet another ad hominem, content-free attack on Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, meteorologist Bill Gray -– a leading "climate skeptic" -– compares Al Gore to Adolf Hitler.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Sixlegged! The Lord of the manor had a butler named Wibble. One day he called Wibble and said, "What about running my bath, Wibble?" "Certainly, Sir," replied Wibble. "Will there be anything else my lord?" "Yes, Wibble, what about my dressing gown." "Certainly, Sir. Will there be anything else my lord?" "Yes, Wibble, what about my carpet slippers." "Certainly, Sir, will there be anything else my lord?" "No, Wibble. If I require anything else I shall call you." With that, the old lord lowered himself into the water and let go a long, loud fart. Five minutes later, Wibble returned with a hot water bottle on a silver tray. "Here you are, my lord, your hot water bottle." "I never asked for that," said his lordship. Wibble replied, "But you did, my lord. As you lowered yourself into the bath, I distinctly heard you say, 'Whadabowdawadderboddlewibble.'" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Geraldo for sending in today's second joke. When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do." "Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blow job out of this." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Brummbaer... Q: What do programmers in Australia call a Local Area Network? A: It's a LAN down under.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: KARL ROVE VS. TRUTHOUT care of: Jack Frost On May 12, writer Jason Leopold published via truthout.org an article that claimed that Karl Rove had been handed an indictment and that Rove had informed the White House of this development. As is rather apparent, that doesn't seem to have happened. Predictably, Leopold and truthout have received some very harsh criticism, including calling into question the validity of reporting on 'the Internets' itself (a rather convenient development). In what seems reminiscent of James Hatfield, Leopold's past drug conviction has been trotted out as a blatant assassination of his character. However, both Leopold and truthout continue to stand by the story. In fact, a recent article explaining that stance by truthout's Marc Ash was linked by Matt Drudge's site and the number of hits crashed truthout's server. One of truthout's best writers, William Rivers Pitt, maintained that the story is correct and has defended it vehemently. The elephant in the room, of course, is that no one has denied the claims of the story they've really just attacked the messengers. A tactic that is so threadbare at this point, if one doesn't recognize it, one has to be deliberately trying not to. Rove's mouthpiece, Mark Corallo, came closest by responding to the story with the 'deny everything' approach, which again, is a tactic that has worn thin. The smarmy/condescending/insufferable Tony Snow has kept up the stonewall started by McClellan and refuses to discuss Rove at all. Ash maintains that they have information that proves an indictment was handed down on 'late May 12 or early May 13', being sure to point out that the indictment is more than likely sealed. Were Leopold and truthout 'Roved'? One of Karl's earliest tricks was to bug his own office and blame the opponent of the candidate whose campaign he was running upon its 'discovery'. In essence attacking himself, but making the 'attack' plausible enough to be able to accuse your attacker and have it stick. The 'forged' document with true information about Dubya's service record that tanked Dan Rather and damaged the credibility of CBS looks like it might have been Rove's doing. The information was damaging, but because one element could be proven false, the document as a whole became 'untrustworthy'. Rove's a spiteful bastard so it's not entirely outside the realm of possibility that, knowing the indictment would be sealed for an indefinite period, he made the announcement himself to see who'd take the bait and put their credibility on the line. Kind of a nice little 'fuck you' to anyone who's been covering the story. Ash claims to have '3 sources in positions to know' and this could've been an attempt to flush out who's been giving information to reporters. But this assessment is based on, as Will Pitt says, that when the indictment is made public, the documents will be dated for May 12. If there isn't an indictment, or even if there is and it has a different release date, truthout's fucked. But at this point, why give the benefit of the doubt to Rove when he's clearly not earned it? - Jack Frost [Seems plausible enough to me. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Yo Jerky; BEST. DIRT. EVER. I read your website for the political analysis, but your taste in music is so close to mine its almost frightening. The Beethoven sent shivers down my spine, and I hadn't seen Live at Pompeii in so long, I'd forgotten how great it is. Condi's list was shit compared to yours. Thanks for all your hard work. Albert [Thank YOU for the kind words. - Jerky] *** **** *** Duhh! Best albums? You forgot 'Qicksilver Messenger Service' and 'Santana' of the 60's! Russell [No I didn't. - Jerky] *** **** *** So according to you, the only two people to ever write a perfect song were Beethoven and... Lemmy Killmeister of Motorhead? I agree 100%. Great list. JCL [It sure is! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Nice to see the Beethoven in there (excellent piece, even in relation to Beethoven's other excellent pieces ... notwithstanding his greatest TURD, "Wellington's Victory") ... sigh but why a recording with crappy synths added? the piano itself is all that's needed ... a good use of the sustain pedal and the harics and resonances of the piano fill things out far better on their own than with SYNTHS distorting the effect. Heheh ... just a pet peeve ... everyone refers to the "moonlight" Sonata, then only plays (or knows) the first of the three movements (the third was used in the Smurfs I think .. hahaha). I've always preferred Beethoven's actual title for the piece ... Piano Sonata No. 14 in C sharp minor Quasi una fantasia", but then I'm a constructivist wonk who thinks the italian in the title is cool. MikeD [Now you're just showing off. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, You forgot "In a Big Country" by Big Country. You know: "DA-doo-da-DEE-doo/doo-DEEoh-D00-doo... SHOCK!!!" Hee-hee! Get THAT one outta yer head, ya fuck! Cheers! -- To Hades With the 80's [Your name says it all. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ; Your response to Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” has nothing to do with perfection. It’s a textbook example of Stendhal Syndrome. Quoting from the Wikipedia link, The term is often used when describing the reactions of audiences to music of the Romantic period. My own weakness is for certain pieces by J.S. Bach, but only if (to my ear) both played and interpreted perfectly. Angus McRoid [It's subjective, yes, but I think some music is so perfect, it can even change objective reality... like a kind of magick. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I'm only part way thru today's Dirt, but I's luvin' it. Fuggen brill, Jerky m'man! :+> Kerusty Klown [Thanks, mang! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; First off I realy enjoy reading the dirt. Now concerning the state of our canadian millitary it is almost impossible at this stage not to upgrade the equipment it uses. The most up to date equipment we have are those three Diesil electric subs we purchased from the Brits a few years ago. Remember one caught fire and had to be rescued. As for the aircraft we use, well the jets we use now are from the 60's and recent reports have indicated that the matirial used has decayed to the point that further use comprimises safty. The bombers and Transport planes are prop driven for fuck sake, and don't get me started on the Helicopters. Personel is yet anouther matter. a recent report out has shown that despite massive recruiting drives and number of people signing up, The military has only gained 700 people. We don't have enough people to help Dafur due to other comitments. The liberel government has put us in a horrible position. Now that Harper is prime Minister and the conservitives form our government we hope to get everything running smoothly again. Get our military the equipment and training it needs. Gain a little self respect, and stop blindly following the lead of your President. J McD [Thanks for the kind words, but considering your countrymen are now calling your Conservative Prime Minister "Mini-Bush", I'd say you've got things exactly backwards as far as following the lead of our Preznit is concerned. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com