A little over a year ago, media juggernaut Oprah Winfrey decided to throw a shindig to celebrate 25 Black women "who have been meaningful to so many of us over the years." In keeping with the megalomaniacal theme (and title) of the highfalutin' soirée -- Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball -- the honorees were all "legends who have been magnificent in their pioneering and advancing of African American women." Among those being feted on this Very Special Night were such luminaries as Shirley Caesar, Diahann Carroll, Elizabeth Catlett, Ruby Dee, Katherine Dunham, Roberta Flack, Aretha Franklin, Nikki Giovanni, Dorothy Height, Lena Horne, Coretta Scott King, Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle, Toni Morrison, Rosa Parks, Leontyne Price, Della Reese, Diana Ross, Naomi Sims, Tina Turner, Cicely Tyson, Alice Walker, Dionne Warwick, Nancy Wilson and, of course, former poet laureateMaya Angelou. Wherever Oprah goes, Maya Angelou is never far behind.
If you fail to recognize half the names on the above list, don't worry; you're not alone. Some of them were, like, dancers and models in the 50's and shit like that. Besides, Oprah Winfrey didn't throw Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball to celebrate people that you or I give a fuck about. Oprah Winfrey threw Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball to celebrate the people that Oprah Winfrey gives a fuck about. It's spelled out right there in the title. As always, it's all about Oprah Winfrey.
Anyhoo, what with the ball being such a huge success and all, Oprah decided to celebrate the one-year anniversary by holding an Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball Weekend Celebration at her vast cult compound in Montecito, California, attended by all the surviving legends (Coretta scott King and Rosa Parks had since passed away), as well as a number of legends-of-the-future, whom Oprah dubbed "young'uns", a category in which she humbly placed herself despite the fact that she's pushing 60. Some of the young'uns present included Alicia Keys, Ashanti, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Mary J. Blige, Brandy, Naomi Campbell, Mariah Carey, Natalie Cole, Kimberly Elise, Missy Elliott, Tyra Banks, Iman, Janet Jackson, Phylicia Rashad, Debbie Allen and Alfre Woodard.
Yeah, I know... Me neither.
If anything, the first anniversary celebration was more lavish and extravagant than the event that it was ostensibly held to celebrate. It began with a personal luncheon and the reading by the young'uns of a truly disturbing Poem of Thanks to the legends. If you've ever seen Todd Brown's 1932 horror classic Freaks, that poem came pretty darn close to the "gabba-gabba, one of us" wedding toast in terms of unmitigated cult-creepiness. Halle Berry lost her shit, as always, doing the same stupid "tears of rage" shtick she pulled when she won an Oscar. "We SPEAK your NAME!!! *SOB*" It was fucking excruciating.
All in all, the event was the definition of swanky, with catered meals, a white-tie ball and "a heart-bursting gospel brunch" where many of the attendees stood up and sung their hearts out for Jesus. Considering the company present, that was actually pretty impressive. Yer old pal Jerky loves him some Gladys Knight, but where were the Pips? The mystery remains.
By all accounts, it was a magical weekend for all involved. So special, in fact, that Oprah decided to distill it down into a one-hour prime-time TV special that aired on ABC, which I watched so you wouldn't have to. Here are a few random observations that crossed my mind as I drank it all in:
Oprah's place is fucking huge, a fairy tale castle plopped down in the middle of Godzilla knows how many acres of manicured countryside. Her spread puts Charles Foster Kane's Xanadu and Jay Gatsby's West Egg digs to absolute shame… and those are fictional characters! It's ridiculous, is what it is.
Seeing as Oprah is the most important spiritual leader of our age (second only, perhaps, to Osama bin Laden), it is only fitting that we at last know her mantra, as revealed by event planner Colin Cowie: "Love is in the details." And she's right. After all, even Jesus refused to die until the crossbar on his crucifix was level… right?
Mariah Carey is black?! No way! I thought she was Puerto-Rican/Irish!
Diane Sawyer becomes more and more annoying to me every time I see her. They should put her picture in the dictionary, right next to the words "smug" and "cunt".
ABC was originally going to run Oprah Winfrey's Legends Ball Celebration Special a week earlier, but at the last minute, Preznit Dubya announced that he would be holding a news conference, so Oprah ordered ABC to reschedule… and they did as she commanded! That's kind of cool, in a spooky sort of way.
Everyone present at the various luncheons and dinners had their own personal butler/waiter, so that everyone would be served their meals at the exact same moment. Funny thing is, each and every one of these butler/waiters was white, and they all referred to Oprah as "ma'am." You've come a long way, baby...
I could go on and on, but I've just realized that paying this much attention to what Oprah Winfrey does pretty much puts me in the fag-by-default category. I do have a lot more to say about Oprah -- particularly about her impact on the cultural landscape and the implications of her ever-increasing influence on more and more people, including world leaders -- but I think I'll save it up for a future edition of my long-abandoned The 100 People Who Are REALLY Screwing Up America series (remember that?). For now, I'll leave it alone.
On this day in 1906, Orville and Wilbur Wright file patent papers on their airplane -- then pronounced air-ee-oh-plane -- thus setting into motion the chain of events that would eventually lead to the tragic events of September 11, 2001. Those bastards!
On this day in 1570, the first World Atlas is published. Lacking such modern-day map mainstays as Australia, Newfoundland and Guam means this particular edition is completely worthless to the geographically inquisitive. So if you have any 1570 vintage Atlases cluttering up your homes, feel free to send them to yer old pal Jerky. He cuts them up and uses them as collage fodder.
On this day in 1856, South Carolina Congressman Preston Brooks sneaks up on, then uses a wooden cane to beat the high holy hell out of Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner. Why? Because the latter insulted the former's state -- as well as his uncle's "honor" -- by delivering a powerful anti-slavery speech. It was the first act of physical violence to take place in the Congress, and is considered an important precursor to the Civil War. Those who fail to understand their history are doomed to repeat it. Read this collection of contemporary commentary about the incident to see what I mean.
On this day in the year 1954, Robert Zimmerman -- that’s Bob Dylan to you, me, and Jesus -- is Bar Mitzvahed. Mazeltov! L’Chaim!
THEY SAID IT!
"Never before in our country's history have both the president and Congress been so out of touch with most Americans. Never before have so few of our elected officials and corporate leaders been less willing to commit to the national interest. And never before has our nation's largest constituent group -- some 200 million middle-class Americans -- been without representation in our nation's capital."
- CNN's Lou Dobbs, kicking more ass than Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris, combined.
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"There are no atheists in foxholes is not an argument against atheism, it
is an argument against foxholes."
On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
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Thanks to our old pal Kendog for sending in today's second joke.
Little Tommy was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tommy just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"
WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
Today's groaner was sent in by Chaudhry...
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: ALL KINDS OF PROBLEMS
care of: Demosthenes
Why does it seem that the Republican party completely miss the irony of the fact that college professors, generally the most intelligent people in the country, overwhelmingly vote Democratic? Read Mencken's quote again. It needs to be read occasionally.
The military general who helped preznut shrub set up the illegal wiretapping is now being rewarded by being put in charge of the civilian CIA? So who exactly is watching the watchers now?
Speaking of watching the watchers, the Justice department is dropping their case against the NSA because the NSA will not allow them to investigate? I love that! Let's see. Steal something imported from another country (everything is, these days). Tell the cops that they cannot investigate you because of national security issues. They have to drop the case. Case law is all abour precedents, right?
Like I have said before, the republicans have made this a country of the rich, by the rich, for the rich. They have the white house, the senate, the house, the NSA, the FBI, the CIA, and the banks (since January).
"Those who own the country should be the ones who run it." -- John Jay, first US Supreme Court Chief Justice. What a Republican attitude.
Jerky; Careful what you call intriguing facts. Olsen’s assertions are based on dubious mathematics, and are not remotely borne out since we’ve succeeded in mapping the human genome. Moreover, common sense completely torpedoes them. If what he said were true, we’d all have the same racial characteristics. If we were all descended from Pontius Pilate, there’d be no Chinese, no Africans, no Inuits, no Swedes, no Semites, no Indians, no Malays, no Basques – all of our sub-populations would have vanished. Also, take a look at European royalty and American WASPs who trace their genealogy as a sport, and have been doing so since the time of Charlemagne – there are dead ends and there are live branches – it is absolutely NOT an all or nothing choice. His logic is bad, his science is bad, and since the advent of mitochondrial DNA and genome mapping, he’s just plain wrong. ACD
[xxx - Jerky]
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Ciao Jerks, All this talk about Global Warming and quotes on temperature rises of 0.6 deg C, I think it must have been more than that round here (Sicily). From time immemorial Mount Etna (11,000 feet) had a permanent, year round, snow cap. In the four years I have been here that has not been the case. This year it has gone before the end of May! Our tourist industry is up the creek, as far as the skiing goes. I know this because I look at the mountain every morning from my bedroom window. Who needs scientists to tell them about Global warming? Etna Fred
[I think our eyes are trying to tell us something. - Jerky]
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CANCELED! Bedford Diaries, The Bernie Mac Show, Commander in Chief, Conviction, Courting Alex, Crumbs, Eve, Everwood, The Evidence, Fear Factor, Freddie, Half & Half, Hope & Faith, In Justice, Invasion, Joey, Less Than Perfect, Modern Men, One on One, Out of Practice, Pepper Dennis, Sons & Daughters, Stacked. Read them and weep! SingleM28
[Ummm... good riddance? - Jerky]
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MOPJ, With the movie "Inconvenient Truth" opening this weekend, this could not be more timely. If we can't see fit to change the way we live with the evidence mounting, were done, baked, fried. SPF 10,000 won't even help. YOP, Bob
[I'm actually working on a garment made out of braided welding visors, just in case. - Jerky]
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Hay Pal; If English is now our official language, does that mean our President is going to learn how to speak it?! RASTY
[Shit is right. Bullshit, in fact. If a nuke ever goes off in the United States, you can bet your ass that it will be detonated by The Powers That Be, not some fucking raghead Jihadis who make 'chemical weapons' in open trash cans while taking turns to stir the shit while holding their breath. - Jerky]
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MOPJ, I was just surfing the web and came across a very compelling article that I believe is very relevant in todays political climate. YOP, Bob
