THE DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST! This week, the science-fiction website Cinescape.com reported that George Lucas had decided on a title for the final film in his second Star Wars trilogy. According to their sources, the film's full title was to be Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Sadly for Cinescape, Lucasfilm has publicly denied the report, thereby mooting the scoop. The film, which is due to open in May of 2005, has yet to be titled, according to a rep. That's where we here at the Daily Dirt come in. Totally free of charge, we have decided to come up with the… TOP TEN TITLES FOR STAR WARS, EPISODE III! Our Top Ten lists go to Eleven! - Jerky 11. Star Wars, Episode III: The Unnecessary Chapter 10. Star Wars, Episode III: The Empire Sucks Ass 9. Star Wars, Episode III: Lucas's Last Chance 8. Star Wars, Episode III: The Merchandizing Avalanche 7. Star Wars, Episode III: Attack of the 30 Year Old Virgins 6. Star Wars, Episode III: Bedtime for Jar-Jar 5. Star Wars, Episode III: Painted Into a Narrative Corner 4. Star Wars, Strike III: YOU'RE OUT!!! 3. Star Wars, Episode III: When Good Franchises Go Bad 2. Star Wars, Episode III: The Search for Spock 1. Star Wars, Episode III: The Final Letdown Honorable mention to my good buddy Shadowfax, who submitted the following excellent entries, which, for reasons of space, had to be tacked on at the end: Plan 9 from Skywalker Ranch, Battlefield Tatooine, and Padme Does Naboo. *** **** *** NUGGETS AND SNAPPERS Wes' Coas' rappist Dog-Snoopy-Dog has announced that he will no longer be hosting the incredibly popular litigation-magnet video series Girls Gone Wild, because they so rarely feature women of color. Multi-platinum selling Snoop apparently believes ethnic women deserve to be subjected to public sexual objectification just as much as white girls do, which is why he plans to produce his own line of soft-core videotapes featuring Black and Latina girls partying hardy and whipping off their tops at the drop of a hat. Isn't it great that Martin Luther King Junior's dream is finally coming true after all these years? And speaking of justice for the downtrodden, a recent study conducted by a team at UCLA has shown that Latinos, who make up 13.5 percent of the population and are the nation's fastest-growing minority, got a measly 3 percent of screen time on network TV last fall. To this, yer old pal Jerky has to say: "So fucking what?!" I mean, 33 percent of the population is morbidly obese, but you'd never know that from watching Friends! TV is not reality, you fucking assholes! Stop pretending it's so goddamn important!!! Geriatric rockers The Rolling Stones have decided to take some time out from their latest Farewell Tour to give the SARS-riddled Canadian metropolis of Toronto a much-needed boost next month, by throwing a free all-day concert. The show - which will feature dozens of side-acts, including AC/DC and a number of lesser (ie, Canadian) performers - will allegedly help the city's tourism industry recuperate from the devastating damage done by the deadly infectious Chinese lung disease. This turn of events brings up a number of interesting questions, not the least of which being: Toronto has a tourism industry?! I mean, looking past family visits and that whole "gay marriage" thing - which, in itself, smacks of whoring for tourism dollars to yer old pal Jerky - what possible reason could anybody have to vacation in Toronto?! Yer old pal Jerky has avoided writing about the deadly debacle in Iraq, recently, because, frankly, he finds no humor in the ever-increasing number of servicemen - American, British or otherwise - who are losing their lives over there for a "cause" that grows more vague and indistinct with every passing day. From the letters I get, I know that some of you look to the Dirt as a source of information about these things. Despite my own personal interest, I really wish that wasn't the case, because I'm not up to the task. First of all, as I said before, it's not very funny, and the Dirt is supposed to be funny (bite your tongues). And secondly, there just isn't enough room in the Dirt to cover all the elements of this evolving, ever-changing situation. So get your recommended daily allowance of info-links from places like Buzzflash.com, or Alternet. Listen to my buddy Mike Malloy scare the bejesus out of everybody on his increasingly popular radio show. If you don't like the fact that those sources are "biased" (like FOX News isn't?!), spend some quality time at the "World" (ie, American) sections of the various international news sites, which, whatever you may think of them, at least adhere to a set of journalistic standards that put our mainstream media to shame. I'm talking England's BBC, Canada's CBC, the Guardian, the Times of India, the Asia Times, etc, etc. A more complete set of links will soon be forthcoming, but for now, suffice it to say that one should view the Dirt as a spice, not a main course! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 27 On this day in 1954, the CIA, using money, propaganda, weapons and personnel, overthrows the democratically elected government of Guatemala, installing some of the most profoundly evil fuckers in the hemisphere in their place. But remember, they hate us because of our FREEDOMS! On this day in 1829, in Genoa, Italy, English scientist James Smithson croaks. When his representatives go over his last will and testament, they discover something peculiar. In his will, Smithson stipulated that if his nephew, Henry James Hungerford, died without having produced any heirs, his estate would go to "the United States of America, to found at Washington, under the name of the Smithsonian Institution, an Establishment for the increase and diffusion of knowledge." Six years later, poor old Hungerford passed away without ever having planted root-taking seed. And so, on July 1, 1836, the U.S. Congress authorized the acceptance of Smithson's most generous gift. On this day in 1977, a Supreme Court decision made it legal for lawyers to advertise their services on television. It is at that exact moment that the term "ambulance chaser" became an affectionate epithet, rather than the literal fact it had been, up until this decision. They ain't one-at-a-timing any more, boys… they're mass-communicatin'! (with apologies to the Coen Bros.) On this day in 1990, Salman Rushdie - condemned to death by Iran's Ayatollah Khomeni for having written "blasphemy" in his novel, The Satanic Verses - contributes $8600 to help earthquake victims in that country. Unfortunately for Salman, Iran's leaders see through his little good-will ploy and refuse to revoke the "fatwah."

THEY SAID IT! "I thought it was important that there be a strong message in it. I loved what the first film did for young women all over the world. In the sequel, I wanted to show that you can be giggly and frivolous but still be successful and driven. The film is about female potential in the future and that's what's really exciting to me." - Legally Blonde II starlet Reese Witherspoon gets all preachy and intellectually defensive about her stupid frickin' movie. *** *** *** "The hijackers of 9/11 ruined it for the normal hijackers. Normal hijackers watched that and went, Aw, shit." - SNL alum and Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot author Al Franken cracks wise about terror.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Six Brothers... A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe. The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Icky Fetang for sending in today's second joke. Doctor: "I'm afraid you've got SARS." Patient: "Is there anything you can do?" Doctor: "Well, first of all we're putting you on an all-pizza diet." Patient: "Will that cure me?" Doctor: "No... But we can slide them under the door!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Junior Johnston sent in this shitty joke. A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is amazing," said the doc. "I'd like to write this up for The New England Journal of Medicine if you don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all" asked the doc, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doc. Running Doe replied.................... "We're called the Indian Nippleless Five Hundred."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hiya Jerky, Just a quick note to say we all love the Jokes section (and the rest o' the work you do in the Dirt), we just can't usually be arsed to tell you. Keep up the good work and BTW I think the best part of the Worst Joke section is your comments on it. More of those please, I mean how long can it take to write a few measly words? What else have you got to do? Eat? Sleep? Jesus, you liberal, workshy, communist, un-american, lazy, bashful, sleepy, doc, dave, dee, dozy, beaky, mick and titch. Er...where was I? Oh yeah. Thanks. Signed: Cineman Dear Cineman; You're welcome... At least, I think you're welcome. I stopped paying attention at the word "Eat." *** **** *** MopJ, I recently had a nightmare in which Tom Ridge and Santa Claus were fighting over Santa's list. It was bloody as hell and the bad guy won. Cancel X-mas! The noise woke Jesus from the sleep of the dead. He didn't seem to give a shit, rolled away the stone and went back to snooze a while. I don't believe in Santa, Tom Ridge or Jesus, but I've been afraid to sleep since then. Now my ribs hurt from laughing, my eyes from sorrow... Cheers: ABC Dear ABC; You should get your hands on some Ambien sleeping pills. It works by inducing Alpha waves in your brain to simulate a dream-state. When you pop one and force yourself to stay awake, you dream with your eyes open! In other words, it's a potent hallucinogen! No shit! *** **** *** Geeze man, the feedback has been really stinko lately, "facts" about this, "facts" about that. The "truth" is this, the "lies" are thoses, blah blah blah. The only real truth out there as far as I'm concerned is that women with flat butts are the best for fucking up the ass. Now lets see how many of you pinhead readers can argue that. Signed: Mustang Dear Mustang; I guess if your dick is the approximate length and girth of a cocktail weiner, she'd pretty much have to have a flat butt for you to be able to fuck her up the ass... right?

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TOP TEN NEW GAY MARRIAGE TRADITIONS! Care of: Not-Gay-Jim Now that gay marriage has been legalized in the Province of Ontario, Canada, there are some new rules: 1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym. 2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have: Something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty. 3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the entire ceremony. 4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating any of the wedding cake because it's all carbs and sugar. 5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest. 6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or hand held lasers. 7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival. 8. The reception hall must have a disco ball and at least 1 go-go dancer. 9. The wedding singer is not allowed to play/sing "Let's Hear It For the Boy", "It's Raining Men" or "I Will Survive." 10. The father of the bottom pays for everything! [In the Deep South, yer old pal Jerky has a feeling this whole "gay union" rigamarole is gonna bring new meaning to the term "Shotgun Wedding." - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com